


TOIL: The Office in a Lab

by labspinster



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2015-11-25
Packaged: 2018-04-27 02:05:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5029510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/labspinster/pseuds/labspinster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A nearly episode by episode re-imagining of The Office, but in a lab! I know what you're thinking--how on earth did Michael Scott get a "PhD?" <br/>Posted as a series of small blurbs because this is actually a slightly expanded version of its twitter account @LabTOIL</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pilot

**Author's Note:**

> Plot and several lines are from the actual show, of which NBC has ownership.  
> R&R please! Thanks so much!  
> Right now, I'm planning on posting a few times this week, followed by weekly thereafter

Michael's intro to new student, Ryan: It's very important that you know that the lab is like a family. So instead of Dr. Scott or Doc or supreme knower of yeast, call me Michael…or dad.

(To camera: The only thing I don't like being called - Mikey.)  
Michael, continued: Pam is the mom of the lab, but I'm too young for her, amirite? Jk, she’s the lab tech and after me is the most important—

Dwight: Person after me, Assistant to the grand master of yeast.  
Michael: Oh stop, you know I don't want people calling me that  
(to camera: more than 5 or 6 times a day)

Michael, cont: And this is Dwight, post doc. Jim’s a PhD student, Kevin's on lab ware, Phyllis breeds mice, and Meredith’s on stats  
Meredith: Not since Creed stopped giving me them

Michael: Creed knows statistics? Wow, you think you a person. Creed is the department’s chemical supplier and anyone else I leave out—oh Stan the man, what is it you do again?

(Michael to camera: no one really knows what Stanley does, and honestly at this point I'm afraid to ask.) And finally there's Kelly, she's BS.  
Kelly: Excuse me? I'm a what now? 

Michael: As in bachelor of science, of course! 

Knocking.

Darryl: Heard you got a new grad student, Mikey. Can you even afford one?  
(Michael to camera, grumpy: Like I said, I don’t like Mikey.)

Darryl to Ryan: The name’s Darryl, like Pharell, only not as rich. But I'm still richer than this dude. Isn't that right?  
Michael: At least I'm not working on an extinct disease!

(Michael to camera: Darryl works on smallpox, which no one even has anymore. I work on yeast infections because billions of women have them! Maybe even more—Ehh, I'm not sure. Statistics aren't my thing.)

Darryl: Yeah well at least it isn't as extinct as your career. The deans have been talking about downsizing the department and we all know how many papers you've published.

Michael: Yeah well you know what else is extinct?  
Darryl: Dodos?  
Michael: Yes, I mean no! Dinosaurs! And they are making a comeback and so will I! I saw Jurassic world.

Darryl: You're a dinosaur alright.  
Michael: Thank you!  
Darryl: That wasn't a compliment.  
Michael: It is in my mind.  
(To camera: And that is how you shut down the haters)


	2. Diversity Day/The Game

(Michael to camera: Apparently somebody complained that Darryl and I were fighting to the people above us— we’re on the ground floor and the deans are on floor 1.  
My guess? Toby, the instrument guy. He's in industry so he's not part of our family. Plus he's divorced, so he's not part of his family either. He's below me— in the basement.  
Now they want us to go through some diversity training to make us appreciate all the things people research—like I have time to do that! So I said I'll just come up with my own.)

Michael to lab: Everyone, I have had a stroke of genius (sticks a post it saying "savant" on his forehead) tack on a piece of paper, don't look! Now treat everyone else like the condition they have.

(Pam’s reads color blindness , Stanley's is hair loss, and Dwight has insomnia)  
Dwight to Pam, shouting: HOW’S LIFE IN BLACK AND WHITE?  
Pam: Why are you yelling?

Michael: Come on, poke a little!  
Pam to Dwight: How do you avoid being irritable when you can't rest?  
Dwight: Irritable? Am I PMS-ing? Is my condition being a female?

Michael: Ugh, not like that-- I'll show you.  
Kelly: Sorry, I'm late. traffic was bad.  
Michael: Hold on there big girl, you can't just waltz on in here, you'll break the door frame.  
Kelly: Ex-squeeze me?  
Michael: And your steps are so heavy the test tubes will be break. Thump! Thump! Thump! Like an elephant and—  
Kelly slaps him.

Michael: See, she gets it! Now we all know not to treat a person like a condition!  
(To camera: Did I push too hard? Probably. But as Chewbaca said, we have to boldly go where no one one has gone before...or something like that)

(Kelly to camera: No one ever told me what comes after the freshman 15. I just assumed it was the sophomore 16. And I am not fat, I'm plushy! Ugh, I'm so sad now, I want a donut.)

*******

(Michael to camera: Yeah so after the whole thing from earlier I wanted to do more of a team building exercise. And nothing says unity like tearing down the enemy.  
I've decided to challenge Darryl and his lab to croquet. Why croquet? Because that's one sport where you don't see African Americans make up most of team. Why are they so talented?)

Michael to Darryl: Hey there ole' buddy. Since classes are out, I figured I'd do something different for a change.  
Darryl (doesn't look up from papers): Like stop failing at life?  
Michael: Haha good one.  
Michael: I was thinking more along the lines of a game of croquet?  
Darryl puts his pen down.  
Michael: Unless you're too sca-wed of the yeastie beasties  
Dwight: Nah, I like it. Six or nine wickets?  
Michael: 9, pssh obvs. get ready to be crushed at 1.  
Dwight: I have a meeting at 1:30. But we'll be done by then.  
Michael: Yeah, 'cuz we’ll win.  
Dwight: I wouldn't be so sure. (Opens closet to reveal croquet set. Michael's face opens in shock.)

(Michael to camera: Well that was unexpected. I don't even know what wickets are. I thought it's how people who can't pronounce "r" say crickets. But bigger is better, right?)

Michael to lab: Everyone, I have a brilliant plan.  
Kelly: Does it involve insulting people?  
Michael: I'm sorry about what I said. But, yes actually, it is based on humiliating others. (pauses for dramatic effect) I've challenged Darryl’s lab to croquet and winner gets bragging rights for eternity... Or longer. Isn't that great?  
Meredith: No. I've paused solitaire twice for you today.

Michael: That's it, you're not on the team.  
Meredith: Didn't want to be.  
Phyllis: I'd like to give it a shot.  
Michael: Ehh, How about Jim, Ryan, and Dwight instead?  
Dwight: Yes I will proudly defend your honor, Michael.  
Michael: Don't say that. Ever. Now Pam since your boyfriend  
Pam: Fiancé  
Michael: Right. is there I need you to do some stuff (winks)

Pam: You want me to spy on Roy?  
Michael: What? I would never say that! Just go into their closet and rough up their balls.  
Jim: What?  
Michael: The blue and black balls, not red and yellow...Come on, pwetty pwease  
Pam: No Michael, I'm not going to help you cheat  
Michael: Fine I'll just do it myself. Jim can you get a two faced coin?  
Jim: No  
Michael: What's with you ethical scientists?

Pam to Jim: Roy's very competitive. Good luck, you'll need it.  
Jim: That confident huh? Well then, if I win you'll have to buy me lunch.  
Pam: Deal. But if Roy wins you buy me lunch.  
Jim: Deal.

(Jim to camera: I've never played croquet but I did play golf in high school. They used to call me holey because of all my hole-in-ones. Yeah...I'm planning on impressing some people today.)

Start of game. Michael uses his two faced coin “wins” toss, and decides to go first but doesn't realize that the loser, in croquet, picks the balls. Darryl picks red and yellow.  
Game result- as predicted, Darryl and his lab win in less than 30 minutes, partly because of superior skill and partly because of Michael tampering with the blue and black balls.

Roy: Nice job Halpert, you had some great shots. Come on, let's go Pam.  
Pam: Sorry you lost Jim. I like turkey salad, FYI (waves and leaves)  
Jim: I know.  
(Jim to camera: Overall, not a bad day.)


	3. The Dundies

Pam to Jim: Thanks for lunch, by the way.  
Jim: Yeah absolutely, you won the deal fair and square. So, you ready for the Dundies?  
Pam: Uhh…

(Pam to camera: You know when there's a huge zit popping that's so gross you cover your eyes but still peek through your fingers? Well, that's the Dundies   
But your PI is forcing you to watch under threat of taping your eyes open. He even did that once for a skit, it took 3 months for him to regrow his lashes.)

Jim to Michael: I was just wondering, do you still have Pam winning the same award?   
Michael: Longest engagement? Yeah! I even wrote a skit about it. Spoiler alert they do get married but to other—  
Jim: That's great but I was thinking that you can showcase your… genius better by having a new category this time.  
Michael: But what about the skit? I already got the props. Do you know hard it is find to rubber chickens nowadays?  
Jim: What do you need--nevermind. I'm sure you’ll find it a use.

Kelly: I know you wrote it Pam.  
Pam: I did not write anything in the bathroom!  
Kelly: Aha! I never told you where you wrote it.  
Pam: Darn it. (hides smirk)  
Kelly: I know how you write your "x’s" after the “excellents” you gave my lab reports.  
Phyllis: Yeah, I laughed so hard I peed myself after having just peed.  
(All 3 giggle)  
Dwight: What are you all laughing about? Wait did someone stick “yeasty” on my lab coat again?  
Kelly: No, it was just a joke.  
Dwight: About me?!  
Pam: Not everything's about you Dwight.  
Phyllis: It's about Michael.  
Pam and Kelly: Phyllis!  
Dwight: I demand you tell me!  
Kelly: Or what?  
Dwight: Tell me and your punishment will be less severe.  
Kelly: Ugh, no I have yeast to grow.  
Phyllis: And I have mice to breed.

Michael on phone: Will Dean Jan descend from her throne of deanliness to join us humble lab rats?  
Jan: Michael I'm in a conference 3 hours away  
Michael: I can book you a Megabus.   
Jan: I have a poster tomorrow.  
Michael: You can practice on the way back.  
Jan: No  
Michael: Please? It's like you don't support the Dundies.  
Jan: Because I don't. We only had budget for 1 party. This is your third.  
Michael: We had to celebrate Pi day this year- it was right to the 5th digit!  
Jan: What about the tornado telethon? It ended up losing money.  
Michael: it was a Sharknado watch-athon. We needed to pay for the tickets & snacks!  
Jan: I'm sorry Michael but you have no budget for this. (Hangs up)  
Michael silently screams. He hears yelling in the hall and goes to check.

Phyllis: Whats wrong with you? Why did you come into the ladies’ room?  
Dwight: No what's wrong with you? I will punish whoever wrote that. (yells) MICHAEL! You would not believe-  
Michael: I won't care either! Shut it! I don't want to deal with harassment paperwork again.

**********

Michael: Welcome to the 5th annual Dundies, where no one leaves empty handed. First up we have Phyllis with the “Busiest Bee” award  
(Claps)

Phyllis: This says “Buzziest bee.”  
Meredith: Hey if anyone deserves an award for working while buzzed it shoulda been me! I was buzzed before we got here!  
Michael: Next up is Kevin for “impossible to follow!”  
Kevin: Wow, is it because I clean test tubes better than anyone else?  
Michael: No it's because of when I had to stand behind you after you ate the triple bean casserole. Next, the “derrière with flair” goes to Ryan!   
Ryan: I literally have no idea what to do with this. It can't even go on my resume.   
Michael: And Kelly gets Spice Girl.  
Kelly: Because of my singing?  
Michael: Sure. Stanley the Manley - “fine work”  
(Michael to camera: I still don't know what he does.)  
Michael: And Pam gets...funniest joke! (Pulls out rubber chicken)

Pam (scared): You're not mad? You thought what I wrote was funny?  
Michael: Yeah “what's under there?, underwear!” Cracks me up every time.

(outside)  
Jim: That wasn't what you wrote, was it?  
Pam: Whaaat? I did no such thing, and even if I hypothetically did write something on a hypothetical lavatory wall, it would have had some class to it.


	4. Lab Olympics

(Michael to camera: I like to think of myself as the big cheese or the top dog of the yeast world)   
Ryan: Here’s your cheese dog   
Michael: Ooh lunch  
Michael removes buns, then to camera: Can’t eat bread, it’s practically filled with the skeletons of yeast, if they had bones that is.

Jim looks bored; head falls to desk. Pam laughs.   
Pam to camera: Every now and then, Jim dies of boredom. I think it was the antibody catalog this time.  
Pam to Jim: You see Dwight’s lab coat?   
Jim: Mm-hmm   
Pam: Sometimes when he’s not here, I try to throw stuff in the pocket  
Jim: No way; Let’s do it  
Jim crumples paper; misses.   
Jim: Wind.   
Pam: Uh-huh. Sure. Try pipette tips.   
Jim: Swish (misses)   
Pam aims and makes it.  
Jim: The sun was in my eyes

Michael: Today, I, Michael Scott am becoming a homeowner. Final walk through.   
Dwight: Are you taking your lawyer?   
Michael: Don’t need one   
Dwight: Can I come?  
Michael: No   
Dwight: Please I’ll make you proud   
Michael: Ok fine   
(Dwight to camera: Michael may be number 1 but I’m his number 2. Always number 2.)

Michael: Oh most honorable Pamantha, Dwight and I are going to do the big thing. So why don’t you have everyone finish the catalog by 5.   
Pam: Ok  
Michael: And did u do the thing I asked?   
Pam: Yes I changed the address on your magazines   
Michael: Science? PNAS? Highlights?   
Pam: Yes even Highlights for Kids.

Jim: Hey Oscar, do we really need to account for every microliter of antibody?   
Oscar: Yeah, it stinks, I know.  
Jim: What are these circles you drew?  
Oscar: Eh, Kevin and I shoot spitballs at it when Michael’s out   
Kevin: Or when we’re bored   
Jim: These are still wet--are they from this morning? When we had the meeting?  
Kevin: We get bored a lot. We call it the "Target of Hate".   
Jim: Why?   
Kevin: Because of how much Angela hates it.   
Jim: Cool, do you guys have any other games?  
Kevin: Sometimes we play Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth.  
Angela: You play that even though it’s a lab and there’s NO FOOD ALLOWED!  
Kevin: Technically I’m not in lab when I do that.  
Angela: Having 1 foot beyond the threshold doesn't qualify as not in lab.

 

Michael: Here it is, my humble abode, wherein I shall raise the roof whenever I please. Home sweet—no wait not this one. (Walks over one house)

Jim: (hums Olympic theme) This scented candle I found in the men's bathroom represents eternal competition and the spirit of sportsmanship.  
Kevin: It smells like pumpkin pie   
Jim: Yes, yes it does. And our first event is the ancient sport of bubble wrap popping.  
Pam: I think you mean Flonkerton, Jim.  
Jim: Hmm, I like it. So who will compete against Kevin in Flonkerton?  
Phyllis: I'll do it.  
Jim: (Claps) Yay Phyllis. Now each of you get a flonk of bubble wrap.

 

Carol: I just need you sign here and you will be a proud homeowner.  
Dwight: What kind of mortgage did you get?  
Michael: 10 year  
Carol: 10 year fixed over 30 years total.  
Dwight: You'll be in your mid 70’s. If you make, that is, and considering how you work with radioactivity, that's a very big "if."  
Michael: (hyperventilates) Wow, ok… is this room getting smaller?  
Carol: What? No. Is this about finances? You could always rent out a bedroom.  
Michael: No, I want a price reduction or I am outta here.  
Carol: You will $7k if you leave right now.

Both Kevin and Phyllis are aggressively popping their bubble wrap as the others cheer.  
Jim: And it’s Phyllis by a bubble! Gold medal.  
Kevin stands under candy dispenser machine and empties all M&M's into his mouth.  
Jim: Wow, that was the entire bag! No one else should even try.

Michael to Dwight: See, this is the face of a proud homeowner.  
Dwight: Yeah, can you imagine those poor saps stuck in the office?

Back at lab, game of Horse with the Dartboard  
Jim: So that’s “HORS” for Stanley and “HOR” for Phyllis  
Phyllis: What did you call me?  
JIm: Phyllis coming alive!  
Pam: Last game—who can pour an agarose gel the fastest while wearing huge dry ice gloves.  
Jim: I love it. Ryan, Meredith, Oscar, and Kelly.

Kevin and Jim count out the stopwatch time (5 minutes, 5:10, 5:20)  
Dwight enters: What’s going on? And why are you holding my stopwatch?  
Jim rolls random piece of paper and hands it to Oscar.  
Jim: Here’s the inventory, took 5 mins and 23 seconds.   
Oscar: Thanks, it looks great!  
Dwight walks away confused as Michael enters.  
Michael: Ahh, look at how productive you’ve all been. I’ve never seen these many gels before.

(Later that day)  
Jim to Michael: Could you come out for a minute?  
Michael: Sure.

(Closing ceremonies)  
Jim: You get the gold medal for signing your condo

Michael, moved: Wow, (sniffles) this is so unexpected, I don’t know what to say.  
(String with eagles and America’s flag are pulled up.)  
Michael: Why are there eagles and a flag?  
Jim: Because you bought your house in America and America wins when you win.  
Michael: Fair enough


	5. The Fire

Pam: Dr. Scott’s lab, this is Pam. Sure, may I ask who's calling?  
Jim: Jim Halpert. What? How did you get this number? You're such a Stalker.  
(Pam to camera: Katy and Jim met at a conference and now they're talking and eating and going out or something like that…am I too loud?)

Michael: Howard comma Ryan, Ryan Howard sitting in my office. Well not the athlete-how great would that be? Now you want to know what I think.  
Ryan: The rotation director wants to know what you think.  
Michael: Shall we? First up, proficiency in necessary skills. Aaaavvv--excellent! 5 years from now where do you see yourself?  
Ryan: Well, I'm interested in medicine.  
Michael: Oh! Good. Ambitious. Excellent. Want to be a post doc?  
Ryan: Uh, no, actually, uh, what I want is to go to med school.  
Michael: That is ridiculous. Why be an MD when you can be a PhD—it has more letters. 50% more! No what your going to do in 5 years minus 5 is enroll in Michael Scott’s College of Medicine. I'll be your Mr. Miyagi and Confucius- Mr. Mucus! First, there are 10 rules you need to learn. #1- half of science today is wrong, but we don't know which half. And I'll give you the rest at lunch.

Oscar: [on phone] But it says no late fee...  
Dwight: [alarm sounds] People!  
Angela: Ok Everyone!  
Dwight: This is not a test! Move to the exits!  
Angela: Do not panic!  
Dwight: Head towards the exits.  
Angela: Safety partners.  
Dwight: Drop your pipettes!  
Oscar: [still on phone] So about the fee...?  
Dwight: This lab is full of flammables! Leave post haste! [to Phyllis:] This is not a test! Bring the mice along!  
Phyllis: You say that every time. And it's always a freshman high on acetone.  
Dwight: DO YOU WANT TO DIE? OUT!! I see smoke! Army crawl now!

Dwight, Michael, and Ryan gather in one group, the others form another group.  
Michael: Rule #2 adapt or die—Darwin said that.  
Michael walks by Ryan's car: Woah, look at all those books—do you actually read them—like flip the pages?  
Ryan: …yes  
Dwight: Does that say MCAT?  
Ryan: …yes  
Michael: Wait why? After all I've done for you, you want to leave us?  
Ryan: No, of course not.  
(Ryan to camera: yes, yes I do.)  
Ryan: I've just enrolled into night MCAT classes.  
Michael: So you really want to be an MD, huh? Well I'm sure it's not that different-quiz me.   
Ryan: Alright, ortnithine transcarbamylase deficiency causes what?  
Michael’s jaw drops.  
Dwight: come on, Michael!  
Michael: Easy peasy- “omijean trainscaboose” causes you to wear only jeans on trains.  
Ryan (confused): That... wasn't... what I said...  
Dwight: If Michael said so it is!

The others are playing "what 5 movies will you take with you on a desert island?"  
Pam: Legally Blonde…  
Kelly: Oh I know, all 5 twilight movies!

Michael: 1 more  
Ryan: Ok, if there's a 500kg hippo on one end of a seesaw at the edge of a building and a 100 kg man on the other, where would he stand to balan-  
Dwight: Question, why is there a hippo on a seesaw? And why is he on the edge of a building? Is the hippo suicidal...or the man? Hippos kill more people than croco--  
Michael getting agitated: Dwight you ignorant buffoon, who cares? I need a calculator, so I need my phone. Where is it? (Gasps) it's in the building!  
Dwight: I'll get it!

After a few minutes.

Michael: Where is Dwight? He better not have gotten scorch marks on his lab coat! I got them on a 2 for 1 deal!  
Dwight comes out coughing and gasping with phone in hand.  
Michael: Oh thank God, I missed you so much (takes phone and kisses it)  
Dwight: Turns out the MCAT doesn't teach you how to operate a toaster oven, huh Ryan?  
Ryan: Oh My God! I'm so sorry!  
Michael: Tried to impress me by lighting the place on fire huh? Rule #3 don't do that literally, just figuratively. I'll give you the rest tomorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading--Please let me know what you think! And if you can follow @LabToil where the story is 2 "chapters" ahead.


	6. The Firing

Pam: You wanted me?   
Michael: I have to let somebody go today. This is so hard!   
Pam: Why did you put it off until Halloween?   
Michael: Because it's very scary stuff.   
Michael: Who do you think deserves to be fired?   
Pam: I get food for the mice.   
Michael: And... Today you’re dressed as a cat- do you know how terrifying that is for a mouse?   
Pam: You're costume is fantastic! [laughs]   
Michael: Thank you! I had it specially ordered five months ago.   
Pam: Totally worth it (leaves)   
Michael: (sighs) 

Jim: Dwight is... Unique. But, I don't believe his talents are being used here. So Pam and I put his resume on Craigslist, Google, Tinder. We're really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state. Um, preferably Alaska... or India. Mars, maybe?   
Pam: Ok greatest strength   
Jim: Hmm   
Pam: A dog-like obedience to authority   
Jim: Nice   
Pam: That doesn't sound good. How about doggedly pursues research? 

Pam: [on phone] Scott lab This is Pam. [snaps, gets Jim's attention] Just one sec. I will, uh, transfer you to our manager, Michael Scott.   
Jim: [in managerial voice] Michael Scott, PhD here. Mm hm. Dwight Schrute is amazing. He is the single greatest researcher of his generation. Yes and if doesn’t win the Nobel in the next year you can hold me, Michael Scott, fiscally responsible. 

Dwight: [on phone] Cumberland Labs?! How did you get my resume? What does it say under farm work? Oh. I'm gonna have to supplement that.   
Dwight: [later] So you got the fax? So why didn't you add it to the res... ? What do you mean? Of course beet farming is relevant Oh, excuse me! I know about a billion farmers that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. And I will see you there... burning. Fine! Oh wait! So you'll let me know when you've made a decis... [stops and hangs up phone.]   
Dwight to Michael: I thought u should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, benefits and title at Cumberland Labs   
Michael: Fantastic!   
Dwight: And I turned it down.   
Michael: What?! That would've solved all my problems.   
Dwight: Out of loyalty for-   
Michael: Oh, I almost hate u more than Toby   
Michael: Creed. I need to let somebody go today. And as much as I think you're a great guy, you're... you're, goodbye.   
Creed: Let's fight it.   
Michael: Huh?   
Creed: Let's call Jan and fight this thing together like the old days.   
Michael: What old days? What are you talking about?   
Creed: let's have a duel or… a rumble like in west side story.   
Michael: Didn't most of them die?   
Creed: Exactly-I know a guy who   
Michael: just leave…please   
Michael: Devon, I'm sorry but you're fired.   
Devon: Is this because of Creed? You had it right the first time. go with your gut, man.   
Michael: No! I can't go back. I'd look like an idiot.   
Devon: That's why I'm being fired?   
Michael: No—but here's a coupon to Chili's. Happy Hal-   
(Door slams)


	7. The Fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, thanks for reading! I've gotten very busy so I can no longer continue this. However, I'm planning on a new story coming in a month or two. Happy Holidays!

Dwight: Where is my desk?   
Jim: That is weird   
Dwight: This is not funny. I have to recalibrate my pipettes.   
Jim: Ok, well, your the one who lost the desk   
Dwight: I didn't lose my desk.   
Jim: Ok, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it?   
Dwight: Who moved my desk?   
Jim: Are you sure you didn't leave it at home?   
Dwight: I will tell Michael and this entire office will be punished!   
Jim: Colder, warmer… Ur hot, no cold, now hot—what are you? A Katy Perry song.  
[flushing] 

Kevin leaves toilet and finds Dwight with his desk, in the bathroom, cleaning his pipettes.   
Dwight: You ate beans again, didn't you? 

Pam: Michael tends to procrastinate with work. Umm, time cards every Friday. Purchase orders at the end of every month. And data updates each quarter. Once a year, it all falls on the same Friday- that's today. I call it the Perfect Storm. But without Clooney. 

Michael: [singing] I don't want to work, I just want to bang on this mug all day.   
Ryan: You called for me?   
Michael: Yes, uh, here's what's on fleek... I have a very top secret mission for you. I want you to update all the emergency contact information.   
Ryan: Why is that secret? [Pam knocks]   
Michael: Ahh, busy work. Get away, cretin. Halloween was last week.   
Pam: I put stickers so you know where to sign.   
Michael: (scoffs) I know where to sign. Chillax, top Pam-M-S-ing. I'm sending Ryan on a secret mission. Tell her   
Ryan: Updating emergency contacts   
Pam: Well, is that really a priority?   
Michael: Oh I don't know,what if while doing RNA prep someone knocks himself out with chloroform and slips on the army of escaped mice? Then what? 

Michael: That's the problem with being a boss- when ur tough they resent you. When ur cool they walk all over u   
Ryan: Catch-22   
Michael: Catch 22 what? Balls? 

Dwight:My Sensei promoted me to purple belt & gave me the duties of a Sempai. Not that a lot of people here know but it is equally respected 

Michael: Hey Pam check this out. The 'Michael' all cursive, the 'Scott' all caps. The duality of man.   
Pam: Could you practice on the forms? 

Jim: Meredith?   
Dwight: No women or children, unless provoked.   
Jim: Ok, Roy?   
Dwight: Warehouse guy. Doesn't count.   
Jim: Ok, Could you beat up Michael?   
Michael: Yeah, I don't think that would happen.   
Dwight: Because we're friends.   
Michael: No because I would kick his butt   
Jim: Well, Dwight's a purple belt, so-   
Michael: So? I've beaten up black belts.   
Jim: Uh, how did you know they were black belts?   
Michael: Because that was the color of the belts they wore, duh.   
Michael: Look, Dwight is a wuss. When we rented 'Interstellar'...   
Dwight: No!   
Michael: ... he cried at the end of it. He did.   
Dwight: It was New Year's Eve and it began to snow at exactly midnight!   
Michael: Oh, Matthew McConaughey. Is he going to make it out of the Tesseract?   
Dwight: Ok, I'll punch you   
Michael: Here we go. Alright.   
Dwight: Kiyah!   
Michael: kiya--oh! Ouuuuch!   
(Dwight to camera: Did I want the hurt the man I'm hired to protect? No.)   
Michael: You know what? Your just lucky that we are at work right now.   
Jim: Ooh, what about, uh, Dwight's dojo?   
Michael: No, they must have class.   
Dwight: No, it's free during the day.   
Michael: Ehh   
Dwight: I have the key.   
Toby: Did you sign the forms?   
Michael: No! Why don't you just leave? Pam, figure out carpools.   
Jim: Um, while the Darrel group is working on the weekends, Michael extended our lunch by an hour so we could all watch him fight Dwight. 

Fight quickly devolves   
Michael: I'm comin' atcha man. I got him!   
Dwight: No   
Michael: I got his pants.   
Dwight: It was my pants   
Ira: No points for pants   
Michael: Go on, I dare you to kick there again. Kick again, I dare ya.   
Ira: Ok, break   
Dwight: No holding   
Michael: You can't see. Good boy. 2 points, 3, 4. I win! 

[later]   
Michael: I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that?   
Dwight: Of course.   
Michael: And I am happy to say you have passed.   
Michael: So effective immediately I am promoting you from Assistant to the PI to Assistant PI   
Dwight: I don't know...   
Michael: But I do know; u can handle it   
Dwight: I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office.   
Michael: No, no, title change only.   
Dwight: I'll have Pam send out a memo.   
Michael: Nope, I need to see if u can handle the power   
Dwight: I can, trust me   
MICHAEL: I do, that's why your first task is to sign these forms   
Dwight: I’ll make you proud 

Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. Like pizza. But then I'd eat me.


End file.
